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Henry (born Heinz) Alfred Kissinger (May 27, 1923 – November 29, 2023) is the most notorious bore of 20th-century international politics and the chief proponent of Realpolitik. He developed an approach to diplomacy called Primat der Außenpolitik and an approach to language involving sprinkling pretentious foreign words everywhere. His unintelligible advice baffled both Richard Nixon and thus certainly Gerald Ford, the two U.S. Presidents under whom he served between 1969 and 1977. His call for détente in U.S.–Soviet relations sent leaders of both nations to the dictionary, hoping it meant something dirty. His diplomacy played a crucial role in 1971 talks with Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai that concluded with a rapprochement between Kissinger and a lot of hot Chinese chicks. In the crowning achievement of his career, he was awarded the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize for talking Nixon out of his last-ditch plan to win the Vietnam War by carpet-bombing Stockholm. (more...)
Previously featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer. (more...)
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June 12: Elephant Flossing Day, Hug a Proctologist Day
- 1885 - At a murder trial in France, a roof collapses, killing 30 people, finally ending the vicious cycle of "justice" in France once and for all!
- 1932 - Current month begins bustin' out all over, ends up leaving a horrible mess. Incident later depicted in the musical Carousel.
- 1939 - In northern Africa, Adolf Hitler refuses to floss an elephant as a gesture of welcome from a local tribe, as "it could be full of gay". Tribesmen chase him out, and he takes his anger out on Poland soon after.
- 1987 - In Chernobyl, Russian Emperor Mikhail Gorbachev accidentally misflosses an elephant during the Chernobyl Elephant Flossing Day Annual Festival. As a result, reactor #2 at the Chernobyl nuclear flossing plant explodes, killing 42 people and injuring one elephant.
- 1987 - Schenectady woman Joyce Q. Spepple claims to see vision of Virgin Mary in a taco salad; it is later proven to be a secret message from Helen Reddy.
- 1987 - In Berlin, Ronald Reagan challenges Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall." The Battle of the Berlin Wall ensues over trellis styles and flowering vine colors.
- 1987 - Reagan forgets what the Battle of the Berlin Wall was about.
- 1987 - Borg attack sector 001 (before breakfast) reminding Reagan that "resistance is futile". Reagan nukes Borg while shouting "Assimilate this motherflossers!".
- 1987 - All women's underwear declared illegal in Warsaw Pact nations. NATO, having seen Warsaw Pact women, don't really care.
- 1987 - World attacked by aliens from Pluto (lunchtime). Pluto declared a non-planet, attack vaporizes as they are not real.
- 1987 - World stock markets crash. Lehman Brothers is given a ticket for "failure to yield". Markets rebound and begin dating other markets.
- 1987 - 2,479,802 other major civilization-threatening events occur. No one notices due to Communist underwear crisis.
- 2010 - Justin Beiber, Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson are all found dead after an apparent fight over who got to fuck Kristen Stewart. Kristen's response was "Fuck you, you motherfuckers. Justin Beiber? He ain't even legal. No one's gonna come between me and my man, Robert. Wait, Robert's dead? Oh HELL NO!"
- 2011 - Garden Gnome sexing becomes an Olympic sport. Justin Beiber is named captain of Canadian and United States teams.
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